I’m not sure how to feel or how to pose it so you understand what I mean; I’ve never felt so cursed by being so blessed.

My great grandmother is dying and I can’t fucking handle it. Not in the philosophical way we jest we’re all dying, carpe diem won’t slow it down. She is in her 90’s and I am truly blessed to have had her this long, but it’s just that, a past tense. I will lose her, like many have lost loved ones previously, the only problem is this is my first intimate loss. I feel ashamed to ramble and flail about, lashing out and crying about an issue that so many have felt before me and so many have more stake in. I feel like a fucking child and I guess that’s the honest truth. I never had to face death as a kid, ran from it and pretended to forget it was an undeniable truth. I lost one friend, whom I wasn’t close with, in high school and even at that point I didn’t handle it well. Her loss will undoubtedly begin an era of people I care for the most slipping away and my own mortality reminded on a daily basis.

I was raised by women, her, without a second thought, being one of the most powerful forces in my life. Any ounce of courteousness, compassion and manners you see in me was bred by her. She has always been a blinding light of what a human being should be if they are to be worth their salt. She has always been the strongest. I crumble at the thought of her withdrawn and near bed-ridden. 

I refuse to acknowledge any of this on a day-to-day basis because if there’s one thing I’ve ever been good at, it’s lying. Bottling it up and putting on a strong face is playing a part in what I think is the role of a strong man. It’s silly and we can say it all we want, but that’s what it boils down to. I have always focused on others to avoid the focus. I will always pretend it’s ok until I reach a breaking point. It only comes ‘round but rarely, and for anyone nearby I apologize and for everyone who will never be nearby, I’m sorry I don’t return calls, texts, or any other form of communication. It leaks out from time to time and I take special care to pack it back away.